Lol. Why is this here? It's not that nerdy.

Opinions: Pirates of the Caribbean-Dead Men Tell No Tales

Yo ho ho and five cups of rum!…is what I had before watching this movie. And before you ask, “is this movie bad?”, realize that this is a Pirates movie. The question you should be asking is, “how bad is the movie?”, and I guess the best I should say is that your mileage may vary, but for me this movie was a, “meh.” out of insert random quantity here, because ratings don’t matter.

Before I get into this review I should say, no I didn’t pirate this movie, I actually went to a movie theater and sat in cushy reclining chairs and tried not to fall asleep during the film (those seats were so comfortable). And if you’re planning on watching this movie through illegal means, don’t. Pls. Thanks.

Let me say that this movie is flawed and runs on predictable story lines. If you’ve watched Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, then at some point during this movie you’ll feel some sort of deja vu. Really even if you want pirate swashbuckling fun, you might as well watch the first act completely snooze through the middle and wake up for the last two fights. If you want to watch people run or stare at boats or hear lines about revenge, watch the whole movie and chuckle a few times.

I’m ripping into this movie right now, and that’s kind of unfair. If I were to say anything positive, I guess I’d say that the movie tries to make a compelling story, but as with all sequels, rather than trying to make the movie stand on its own or at least enhance elements from previous movies, it relies on your emotional investments from previous movies and reuses past plotlines. As someone who’s only watched the first Pirates movie before this, I have zero emotional investment to the movie, and though one might ask, “Well why are you reviewing the movie if you haven’t watched all the past movies?” I guess I should say that unlike the usual argument for watching sequels it’s not that I’m not clued in to the previous narratives—this movie doesn’t really need you to know what happened in the previous movies—it’s just that this movie doesn’t develop characters enough for you to care about what happens to them. And the only way you really could care for some of the central characters is if you’ve watched them and became attached to them over 4 or so films. What I’m saying, I think, is that our characters aren’t fleshed out. And certain plot lines are discarded too quickly for gags or just completely ignored and as you watch the film you can see that they’re trying to weave multiple plot lines into a strong narrative, but they aren’t finishing them or fully connecting them.

But if you wanna be entertained, go for this movie. It’s a well shot movie, everything looks pretty dope. You’ll have fun. Just don’t think about the story.

Another fun part of this movie, at least for me, was Kaya Scodelario, but that’s neither here nor there just some biases.

Oh and of course if you’re watching the movie for good music, you’re in luck. Out of everything the movie offers, the film score is the best. It’s truly superb. I guess that’s all I really have to say about the movie, and that’s kind of sad. Even with bad movies I have a lot to say, but this just didn’t have any effect on me. Just some shallow flashes and no true bang. Anyways I leave you with the best part of the film. Later days.


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