One of the wondrous elements of Kingdom Hearts and something that makes it so charming and magical, is the fusion of Square Enix properties with that of Disney, but since Final Fantasy characters weren’t in Kingdom Hearts III…
I wanted to talk about this entry’s batch of Disney worlds. And rather than simply give my opinion, I wanted to give a different spin, a twist I guess, to my presentation. Anyways, here we go.
WRITER 1: Hah. The fans will get a kick out of this.
WRITER 1 story boards their idea.
WRITER 1: The players will think they’re about to play Kingdom Hearts III, right? But instead they’ll get this!
Fellow writers applause. A tear streams down Papa Nomura’s eye, proud that he raised his writers to be such brilliant trolls.
Fast forward to a fan in awe, terrified that something may have gone horribly wrong. She immediately tweets out her reaction that this is ridiculous, that it’s insane.
FAN: Et tu, Nomura? Et tu? You didn’t have to do this!
NARRATOR: But. He did.
WRITER 1: Seeing as the seiyuu for Phil has died, will we give him lines?
WRITER 3: The fans love the, ‘Jump on the hydra’s back’ meme. We need to somehow top it.
WRITER 2: No. We respect his death. He’ll be silent.
WRITER 1: Won’t that be off putting?
WRITER 2: Yes. But it must be done. There’s no other way.
WRITER 3: What of the Western audience?
WRITER 2: I said that there’s no other way!
PROGRAMMER 1: So we’ll introduce the airstepping mechanic right before the fight against the other three titans, right?
HEAD PROGRAMMER: Yes.
PROGRAMMER 1: They’ll get to utilize the mechanic against the boss, right?
HEAD PROGRAMMER: Yes.
PROGRAMMER 1: Cool. It’ll be great that players’ll learn to airstep to their enemies.
HEAD PROGRAMMER: No.
PROGRAMMER 1: What?
HEAD PROGRAMMER: They’ll airstep to places in order to dodge attacks. They won’t be able to zoom to the boss though.
PROGRAMMER 1 gasps, and starts to stutter.
PROGRAMMER: But…but one of the titans controls the wind. You’re floating and have to go quite the distance to reach it. Shouldn’t we let them zoom to the boss, you know make it quicker?
HEAD PROGRAMMER: You realize how long it took to program this game so far? How frustrating it’s been? How much we’ve had to learn then forget in order to get this far?
PROGRAMMER 1 tilts their head, raises an eyebrow, confused as to what will come next.
PROGRAMMER 1: Yeah?
HEAD PROGRAMMER: Well, the players will learn how much pain we experienced through this fight. Not everything is fun and games, players! The world is pain! It’s frustration! And once you conquer that, you will be able to conquer anything.
The programmers all applaud HEAD PROGRAMMER’s speech, motivated by their wise words. They program as hard as they can in hopes that they’ll make a frustrating challenge suitable for their beloved players.
NARRATOR: And so they made one of the most bullshit bosses ever.
WRITER 2: All right, this world is the first in this game.
WRITER 1: You mean the one and only…cause it’s II.9.
WRITER 1 chuckles to themself. No one else laughs though. The joke had passed after ACT I. Upon seeing everyone else’s dead reactions, WRITER 1 sighs.
WRITER 2: Anyways, we need to hit the ground running with this one. We need to punch up and establish the chemistry of Sora, Donald, and Goofy. This is game marks their fourth journey together. They need to mesh, they need to reflect on this long standing relationship.
WRITER 3: So Sora’s just failed his Mark of Mastery, right? And he lost a good bit of his powers…this is a good chance to develop his character. We can have him show some insecurity.
WRITER 2 jumps up and points at WRITER 3. They’re gitty about the possibilities.
WRITER 2: Yeah! Yeah! Sora’s always been a bit too happy go-lucky. What if during these moments of insecurity, Donald and Goofy support him. His friends can be there for him, instead of his usual role of always being there for them. They’ll shower him with love.
WRITER 3 shakes their head.
WRITER 3: No. Donald and Goofy are like parental older siblings for Sora. Showering him with love, though well intended, won’t go well. I say they help him process through his insecurities by not acknowledging that he has them. Like, though Sora’s happy go lucky, it’s partly an act.
WRITER 2: So you want them to act as if everything is normal, but subtly show their concern?
WRITER 3: Exactly. They’ll make jokes, so that Sora doesn’t have to think about what he’s lost. He get to just continue with his adventure, even though everything’s so tense.
WRITER 2: Nice. Nice. Hopefully the fans will get it.
WRITER 3: They’re smart. I’m sure they will. Now, Writer 1, I need you to write some nice jokes. Have Donald and Goofy rib Sora a bit.
WRITER 1 nods. The writers sit before their computers and start clacking away. The scene fades. We fast forward to February 2nd 2019. A fan stares at a Twitter screen.
TWITTER FAN 1: Yo, Donald is fucking savage af! Roasting Sora all game.
TWITTER FAN 2: Yeah. Dead ass, fam. The duck’s going for the boy’s neck!
TWITTER FAN 4: Lol. Deceased!
TWITTER FAN 3: Actually. I think the roasting is for more than just roasting. It’s a supportive reason. In this TED Talk I will–
TWITTER FAN 1: Yo! This guy is buggin!
TWITTER FAN 4: You are reachin’, my guy. It’s not that serious!
A litany of tweets flow through the thread. Memes and .gifs pop up. Someone types, ‘Yeetus Vanitas.’ The screen continues to flicker, blaring bright colors until the screen dims.
Um…yeah. Thanks for tolerating this weird stream of plays (?). I think I’ll leave you with an ad for the KHIII figures. Later days.